May 5, 2003

no more study

Right after the monks left, but before we returned to our normal lives, Christina and I talked about what needed to be done. We both decided that if we were going to try and keep “that feeling” alive then we would need to do some serious meditation and study.

I guess the best way to describe “that feeling” would be the phrase, “it’s okay.” That was the most frequently heard phrase when the monks were here and it was really the attitude that seemed to permeate everything. “Pancakes for breakfast?” we’d ask, “it’s okay,” was the response. “I’m sorry, we don’t have a PA system for the dance,” we said, “it’s okay,” was the response. The question that kept playing through my head was, “how the hell can they be so calm about everything.” The answer, of course, is that they have really studied the reasons that things happen. Cause and effect — karma, emptiness, bodhichitta. These are all ingrained into their persona through serious study and debate.

After I returned to my job I found that sleeping in and watching TV was easier than all of that meditation and study I talked about doing. It’s the weirdest thing, but my practice seems to have unravelled rather than get stronger since their visit. When they came over to do our house blessing, Dorje and Lobsang studied my alter setup. I asked if it was setup correctly and they said yes. Lobsang told me how and when to put out the water bowls, the next day I stopped putting them out. Dharma told me about the importance of a good teacher, Sogyal told me that the teacher I was studying under was, “a very good teacher.” I’ve only listened to one class by Geshe Michael since then. Dharma gave instructions on how to meditate — “their are so many different Buddha’s, just pick one,” he said. I’ve only meditated a handful of times since then.

I really feel like I found my root teacher, my true lama, yet I’m only half (actually, probably less than half) heartedly doing anything about it. I did volunteer to drive the monks for the 2004 tour and I figure I’ll get some great one on one instruction at that time, but I don’t think that’s reason enough to just quit now. If anything it should be reason to do more study and practice.

posted @ 8:59 AM

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