March 8, 2004

more duck tales

I used to hope and wish that someday I would have the opportunity to work for a dharma center. I remember keeping my book for about six months with the sole intention of it creating the cause for a job at a center. Then the advertisement for a position at Vajrapani came up. I knew I had to apply.

I wanted to work at a center to be close to people trying to practice the path. Working with their minds to become better people and create a better society because of it. I guess my expectations were very high or maybe my ideas about how a Buddhist society would function were incorrect. Some of what I thought I might find has been here. I’ve been able to see and meet some very great teachers. Ones who’s names are recognizable. It is constantly beautiful here. Even in the rainiest of muddy days — it’s still beautiful. The air smells fresh and clean. Intellectuals and meditators abound.

In corporate America all people care about is the bottom line. You are a tool to achieve the goal of making several people wealthy. At all of the jobs I’ve had in the past I’ve never made a commitment to stay — not for a week, not for a month, not for a year. Since the word go it has been nothing but a push for us to commit to dates. “We need a date as soon as possible.” Most other employers feel that two weeks upon leaving is sufficient. Here we’re being asked to give as much as a six month notice. To me it feels like I’m not valued as a person going through a bit of a difficult time. What I am is an obstruction to business. I’m in the way. Not single? Strike against. Got a dog? Another strike. Now a kid? Forget it... three and your out. When will you be gone?

When it comes to fight or flight, I like flight. It’s worked very nicely for me in the past. When we found out we were pregnant my initial instinct was to leave. We mentioned this to one person and before we knew it that was the only option we had. The option of us staying was never even discussed unless it was followed or proceeded by, “that probably wouldn’t work.”

It would be much nicer for me if we could just deceive everyone here. Tell them all we are staying, meanwhile look for jobs in Missoula. Once we find a job we let them know we are leaving. Simple, like it should be. Except I know how difficult it can be to find replacements and I don’t want to leave Vajrapani in a difficult spot.

I’d make a horrible captain of a sinking ship. I’d run for the lifeboat screaming, “SAVE YOURSELF!”

posted @ 8:21 AM

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