April 27, 2002

dear friends

How do I tell my close, dear friends that I think they are sweet and wonderful but they are making it very difficult for me to live? How do I tell them that I can’t go on if we continue going on the way we are. How do I tell them I love their company but can no longer love the way we keep our company?

What sort of isolation will this bring? What sort of hardships could I endure?

How do I tell my close, dear friends that I think they are sweet and wonderful but they are making it very difficult for me to live? How do I tell them we can’t hear to the music the same anymore? How do I tell them we don’t find humor in the old jokes anymore? How do I tell them I love their company but can no longer love the way we keep our company?

What sort of isolation will this bring? What sort of hardships could I endure?

How do I tell my close, dear friends that I think they are sweet and wonderful but they are making it very difficult for me to live? How do I tell them who I am now? How do I express my love this way? How can I make them understand what makes me? How do I tell them I love their company but can no longer love the way we keep our company?

What sort of isolation will this bring? What sort of hardships could I endure?

How will they know that things are now different. The reflection in the mirror is the same. The image presented to them will be the same. All my clothes, my shoes, my hat... all the same. If they are who they seem to be, they cannot know.

posted @ 8:39 AM

April 23, 2002

finally

We’ve searched high and low. We thought we were all alone in this great big world. Turns out we are not (we knew this all along, we just didn’t know how to find it).

posted @ 9:24 AM

April 22, 2002

leafing over a new turn

We can’t begin to image what it must be like to not speak for three years. To see only five other people and then only once every couple of weeks. To spend 1095 days being tormented by all of the thoughts that arise in our mind.

Last week was... it was probably the worst we’ve been in several years. We lost all hope, wanted to give up. Slept until we had to get out of bed. Drank every night. Watched plenty of useless TV. “Partied like a rock star.” We said we couldn’t go on being the person we had been before. We were tired of searching for meaning. “Look how easy everyone seems to be getting on with life. They don’t struggle every waking moment with their thoughts. Worry that bad seeds are being planted that will reap future disasters. What if they are right? What if this is all there is? What if karma, past and future lives — what if it’s all a load of shit?” We gave up. Stopped resisting our culture for the first time in several years. Stopped all struggle. It felt wrong. It felt off, but it was much easier.

On Friday night we made a decision that enough was enough. We had walked this road before and we know the final outcome. We see it in the eyes of people standing next to us in line. It’s not the correct way. They have not found ultimate happiness. Many have not even found temporary happiness.

We woke on Saturday like every other day that week; groggy, slightly hung over, stinking like a bar, desperate for coffee. As we checked the email we found our salvation. A letter from Roy at lamrim.com saying that the Easter teachings of Geshe Michael were now posted online. Geshe-la has been in retreat for two years. He only speaks once every couple of months and only then to teach the Dharma. He is blind folded the entire time to limit worldly distractions. We knew this would be the cause for a great revival inside of us. And it was. We cried, we laughed. We were terribly moved by his complete understanding of what it means, what it takes to be Buddhist in America.

He started with an amazing recreation of the last days of Jesus Christ. Very moving, very powerful. Then he told wonderful stories about people who have made a huge impact on American culture with their Buddhism. He told of every doubt we’ve ever had. Told of every struggle we’ve ever had. Told of every pain we will ever have. Then with the help of Master Shantideva, told us how we can continue. How we must continue.

posted @ 8:56 AM

April 13, 2002

rangzen bracelet

We no longer wear a rangzen bracelet. We received a free bracelet from the International Campaign for Tibet several months (maybe a year?) ago. It stated that, “when you wear this bracelet think of Jigme Sangpo an 73 year old school teacher.” Just about ever day we did think of Jigme Sangpo. He has now been released on medical parole.

We will probably put the bracelet back on again soon, but for now we are happy that it is not on our wrist.

posted @ 5:06 PM

April 6, 2002

a revolution

“A revolution always has a rhythm.”

—Abbie Hoffman

posted @ 2:59 PM

brothers?

We haven’t said much about September 11 since it happened. There are reasons for this... mainly because everyone else was saying so much. As you would guess we are the nonviolent type. It is the only logical way to solve any problem. We won’t spend our time trying to convince you of this, but we would like to post these two quotes. Draw your own conclusions:

“We do not distinguish between those in uniform and those who are not.”

—Osuma bin Laden (1998)

“We will not distinguish between the terrorists and those that harbor them.”

—George W. Bush (2001)

posted @ 1:29 PM

April 2, 2002

memoirs

Every few months we push ourselves to the limit. We stumble into this whole thing rather cautiously, remembering the last time. Not wanting to feel that way again. Saying, “never again,” or, “maybe once more just to remind myself.” Then after a few late nights, fuzzy and unfocused the following day and a headache always a slight-move-to-the-right away--we remember. This time found us reliving a past that was, apart from very personal, rather insightful. No wisdom was to be found, yet all of the confusion and frustration is the foundation for wisdom. Looking back, we see that most of junior high and high school was renunciation. Six full years of absolute disdain for life. The basis for good practice. Every once in awhile we find ourselves wanting to relive those days in order to remember the great lessons from them.

posted @ 10:33 PM