January 30, 2004

the ego grasping

I kind of thought that after the staff retreat things might be a little different around here. I thought maybe everyone would be a little bit more mindful and a possibly more focussed on others — as opposed to themselves. Well, turns out I was wrong. Our asking for time off to see Christina’s brother and visit our family turned into this huge thing at the staff meeting. Nobody wanted to cover our positions while we were gone. Okay, that’s not entirely true — one person was willing but it isn’t anywhere near the scope of her job to do so.

Changes happen so small, so incrementally that you hardly notice them at all, I guess.

posted @ 12:05 PM

January 27, 2004

drizzle

I love the word “drizzle”. It’s often drizzling here and I always feel like Snoop Dogg when I say it.

“What’s the weather like there?”

“It’s the drizzle, yo.”

~ ~ ~

On a serious note: Stop Tenzin Delek’s Execution

posted @ 10:20 AM

January 18, 2004

last day of retreat notes

1/15/04
The last full day. Actually it’s one o’clock already, so I’m down to let than 24 hours. Started packing up and making little lists of things that need to be done before I leave.

I think my mind changed. I think it was a good dose of Dharma — a refreshing splash of cold water on the face. I have this feeling that I’ll fall back into similar habbits in a few days. Hopefully not fully back into them, but back none the less. I keep reading about you must generate this strong desire to help other people. I feel like I’ve got just about 0% of that. Maybe .01% because I do like to feed the racoons who show up every night around 8:30... the pets at home, Christina, a few friends. I want them to be happy and am willing to help in some ways, but not fully. Not like where I’d say, “here’s my house — take it, here’s all my clothes — wear them, here’s all my food — eat it.” Not much anyway. A little. I understand the concept of why it’s right to do so, but when push comes to shove it’s really all about the tripple gem of me, myself, and I. [In Buddhism you take refuge in what is called the Tripple Gem — the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha.]

It’s all nice for me to say I’ve made some change as I sit in a nice temperature controlled cabin overlooking these amazing hills completely covered in trees. But did I really? I guess we’ll see tomorrow or the next day when we go to town and have to do all the normal daily life stuff like laundry, shopping, and finding a parking space. I don’t think it was a waste. I haven’t had time off like this in a really long time. Since the last time I was unemployed, so three years ago. Vacations are usually spent going, going, going, so this was nice for that. I reconnected with my teacher, that was also nice.

Being away from Christina... that was... well, at first difficult. Then progressively easier, but I think only because I knew she was right down the hill. Whenever we spend time apart we both start thinking about each other’s death. It’s very strange like that. If she goes on vacation I’ll think, “what if her plane crashes, what if I never see her again.” It would be greatly more difficult if one of us were to die, but this retreat did help the mind get used to that inevitable time. I think she had a harder time with this and she was with Zeeke, our dog, which is interesting. He reflects your own sadness back to you. He appears to be sad — maybe he really is sad — when one of us is gone. So it’s more difficult. I couldn’t imagine what having a child then being seperated by death would do...

posted @ 10:11 AM

January 6, 2004

more about retreat

To clarify on the last post... I think I’m a bit scared because I know what my patterns are. I’m afraid I might be very westerner about the whole deal and feel guilty the whole time. Or that I might waste the time — only causing myself further stress in the future. I’m not sure exactly what is more scary. I go back and forth.

I think I’ll like the silence. I’ve been talking on the phone five days a week for the last three years. I could use a little break. I will have a computer, possibly. I may just bring a portable CD player and all of the printed materials instead of using .pdf files on the computer screen. It could become a distraction. Plus I’ve been in front of a computer nearly every day for the last three years also. I could use a little break.

I talked to my good friend Scott on the phone tonight. He said I was nuts. It’s funny how the thought of being away like that frightens people. We saw 21 Grams the other night. It’s a great movie — lot’s of death though. And revenge and adultery. Only a glimmer of compassion now and again. Really made me think that I don’t want to waste my time. I could die at any moment for any reason. I don’t want to let fear run my life. Death must be really scary.

Christina and I were married eight years ago yesterday. We had a beautiful day and really felt the love. I beat her six games to one at the arcade, but then I think we had a similar outcome on our one year anniversary. We’ve not spent more than about 5 days at a time apart from each other since we married. It will be interesting to see how our minds work after the 9th night alone.

posted @ 11:07 PM

retreat

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to do retreat. To just totally get away from everyone and everything. I’m also kind of scared to be alone with my mind for ten days, but that’s what I’ll be doing starting on Thursday. I’m planning to complete Course Three Applied Meditation. I’ll let you know how it turns out...

posted @ 8:05 PM

January 2, 2004

the spring was sprung

Last week it rained pretty hard. We got around six inches. Back in 1998 their was an El Nino storm and they got 13 inches in 24 hours. It blocked up culverts thereby causing bits of road to fall into the creek, huge boulders to wind up on the road and mud pretty much everywhere. Yesterday it rained another five or six inches, but we didn’t have any major problems except for the water line breaking. This happens every couple of weeks though, so it wasn’t too shocking. It was determined, however, that the problem was probably not a break but rather that the pipe coming from the spring was blocked with silt.

To get to the spring you have to climb pretty much straight up a hill for about two hours. I know this because I volunteered to hike there yesterday. It was great. I had a blast. Got completely drenched, totally muddy but it was a fun hike. I’m thinking of changing career fields based on it.

posted @ 10:12 AM