February 20, 2004

kid karma

“Are you and Christina ever going to have kids?”

“Not for quite a while,” was my typical answer to this. I guess it’s been quite a while since anyone asked. We took the little EPT test yesterday and saw two lines (this means you’re pregnant).

It’s absolutely nutty. I’m all mixed up. Happy, nervous, scared, anxious, giddy. All these crazy, mostly opposite emotions — and I’m not even the pregnant one! I’ve always wanted to have a kid, or I should say I like the idea of having a child. It’s also a major pain in the ass having a dog sometimes and I always think how much more difficult it could be with a little human. Then there is the whole money thing. I’m not sure what I want to be when I grow up, but I know that I’d like to be able to provide a good home, good education, etc, etc to the little one. This is probably the most scary part of it. I’ve got between nine and seven months to figure all this out.

We live in the woods. Currently we don’t have hot water (let alone a shower or bath), an outhouse and a total of 230 square feet, a quarter of a mile from where we park our car. (230 square feet seems like plenty, I know. It’s two rooms measuring approximately 15 feet by 15 feet. It’s tiny.) Our refrigerator is a cooler. We have to haul in ice every day or two in order to keep our yogurt cold. It’s not the ideal place to raise a kid (to say the least).

The up-side is that we are very lucky to have conceived a child on Vajrapani land. It’s very blessed and this little one could be very special. Lama Yeshe is famous for saying, “why worry?” You can either do something to make the problem no longer be a problem or you can’t. Either way, no use getting upset or worried. So I’m really trying to take that advice. Besides, it was just one little test (and several days of vomiting). Could be wrong, could be something else. Or something could go wrong between now and then. You just never know.

posted @ 9:05 AM

February 13, 2004

lists

Christina and I start our vacation on Wednesday. We are going to spend a couple weeks back in Montana and Spokane. I think it will be good to leave Vajrapani and go “out there” again. Like the Buddha when he was a child... His father made him stay within the royal walls. Then when the young prince finally made it out into the city he saw (for the first time) real suffering, old age, sickness and death. It made him want to seek out a solution to avoiding all of those things. Perhaps it will do the same for me. At the very least it will likely be nice to return to Vajrapani.

My dad told me the other day that I should be sure to look up my grandparents when I’m in Spokane. I should, I agree. He says I should do this because, “they might only be with us for another day or it could be another ten years — we just never know.” The implication is that some how this isn’t true for me or for him, my sister, Christina and every single other living being. We are exempt from death because we’re not yet 70 years old. My response was, “well, this is true for all of us.”

Anyway, I think it will be a good break. I’m looking forward to the drive. Hoping the roads won’t be too terrible and we make it there (and back) in one piece. I’ll have access to a DSL connection when we’re in Montana, so I’m creating a list of things to download. And a list of things to take. And a list of things to do before we leave. A list of things to do once we get back. A list of 51 mental factors. A list of nobel truths and a list to get out of suffering. I feel like I’m forgetting something...

Sign on a church in Boulder Creek recently: To have more, desire less. (I added that to my list.)

posted @ 8:17 AM