March 29, 2004

new design

It still needs some tweaking, but basically here is the new design. If it doesn’t look any different than the old one to you, kindly hit your refresh button. It’s only been tested on Safari and Explorer for Mac, so if you have any problems on a different operating system or browser please let me know. Thanks.

P.S. So there, Mike! :-)

posted @ 8:33 AM

March 24, 2004

anniversary

Normally I give this site a makeover this time of year. It’s right around the anniversary of the site. It’s been going strong for three years now. Whew... Time flies. Anyway, this year I’ll be a little late on the redesign, if it happens at all. Hope you can put up with the “prayer flag” design for a bit longer.

posted @ 7:49 AM

March 18, 2004

another decision

We decided that to try and move would be more difficult and leave too many variables (would we be able to find a house, jobs, insurance, etc.). A few members of the community are still a little resistant to the idea, but for the most part everyone has been very supportive. Some of the old time Vajrapani members talk about how they raised three kids in a sixteen foot teepee with no running water. Makes it seem like it might be possible.

By the way, we decided this a few days ago and still haven’t wavered on the decision although everything is subject to change at any moment.

posted @ 7:34 AM

March 12, 2004

falling to pieces

I have so much I feel like I could accomplish here at Vajrapani before I leave. Maybe little things like fixing people’s decks, building new outhouses and that sort of thing, but things that haven’t been done in a real long time. Things that need to be done.

Then the other side of the coin is the attitude everyone seems to have about bringing a child into this world. I completely understand it. Two months ago I was probably against the idea of having babies here. Because I was against the idea of having babies in my personal life. I respected mothers, no doubt, but a baby out here in the woods? That seemed absurd.

Now I’m just not sure. I either need to give up my attachment about doing anything more here at Vajrapani or I need to give up my attachment to clean houses with indoor plumbing as a place to raise a baby — or at least as a place for an expectant mother.

As Faith No More once said:

Back and forth, I sway with the wind
Resolution slips away again
Right through my fingers, back into my heart
Where it’s out of reach and it’s in the dark
Sometimes I think I’m blind
Or I may be just paralyzed
Because the plot thickens every day
And the pieces of my puzzle keep crumblin’ away
But I know, there’s a picture beneath
Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens...
Because I’m somewhere in between
My love and my agony
You see, I’m somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together
Layin’ face down on the ground
My fingers in my ears to block the sound
My eyes shut tight to avoid the sight
Anticipating the end, losing the will to fight
Droplets of “yes” and “no”
In an ocean of “maybe”
From the bottom, it looks like a steep incline
From the top, another downhill slope of mine
But I know, the equilibrium’s there
Indecision clouds my vision
No one listens
Because I’m somewhere in between
My love and my agony
You see, I’m somewhere in between
My life is falling to pieces
Somebody put me together

posted @ 8:21 AM

March 9, 2004

turning of the tide

Wow. What a sudden and bizarre turn of events. We talked to a few other staff members yesterday and found out that the majority of people would really like us to stay. They think that this is the perfect place to have a baby and raise a child. Community members have done it before, but this would be a first for staff members. Still, the overall feeling is that it could work out. We aren’t corporate America. Having a baby in the office might be nice they say.

As I recall we were never definite on staying or leaving. We felt it might be easier for everyone if we left. We wanted to make it as easy as possible on Vajrapani so we decided, if we were going to leave, to do it in August. Once that was vocalized then the ball started rolling. It became set in stone because a couple of people, it would seem, don’t want to have a kid here. We will leave someday — it’s inevitable, but when is the question.

Christina has really been wanting to stay. And I completely understand. I wouldn’t want to look for a job when I’m six months pregnant either because who’s going to hire you? If we leave before the baby is born then it would be sooner than later.

Thank you all so much for putting up with my public ramblings on this. I have to be vague in my story because it’s just the nice thing to do. I have to write because it’s the sane thing to do. I have to share because... well, if you have a weblog you understand why. I do have some other stuff I’d rather be thinking and writing about, but this is all the comes out when I put hands to keyboard.

posted @ 8:01 AM

March 8, 2004

more duck tales

I used to hope and wish that someday I would have the opportunity to work for a dharma center. I remember keeping my book for about six months with the sole intention of it creating the cause for a job at a center. Then the advertisement for a position at Vajrapani came up. I knew I had to apply.

I wanted to work at a center to be close to people trying to practice the path. Working with their minds to become better people and create a better society because of it. I guess my expectations were very high or maybe my ideas about how a Buddhist society would function were incorrect. Some of what I thought I might find has been here. I’ve been able to see and meet some very great teachers. Ones who’s names are recognizable. It is constantly beautiful here. Even in the rainiest of muddy days — it’s still beautiful. The air smells fresh and clean. Intellectuals and meditators abound.

In corporate America all people care about is the bottom line. You are a tool to achieve the goal of making several people wealthy. At all of the jobs I’ve had in the past I’ve never made a commitment to stay — not for a week, not for a month, not for a year. Since the word go it has been nothing but a push for us to commit to dates. “We need a date as soon as possible.” Most other employers feel that two weeks upon leaving is sufficient. Here we’re being asked to give as much as a six month notice. To me it feels like I’m not valued as a person going through a bit of a difficult time. What I am is an obstruction to business. I’m in the way. Not single? Strike against. Got a dog? Another strike. Now a kid? Forget it... three and your out. When will you be gone?

When it comes to fight or flight, I like flight. It’s worked very nicely for me in the past. When we found out we were pregnant my initial instinct was to leave. We mentioned this to one person and before we knew it that was the only option we had. The option of us staying was never even discussed unless it was followed or proceeded by, “that probably wouldn’t work.”

It would be much nicer for me if we could just deceive everyone here. Tell them all we are staying, meanwhile look for jobs in Missoula. Once we find a job we let them know we are leaving. Simple, like it should be. Except I know how difficult it can be to find replacements and I don’t want to leave Vajrapani in a difficult spot.

I’d make a horrible captain of a sinking ship. I’d run for the lifeboat screaming, “SAVE YOURSELF!”

posted @ 8:21 AM

March 7, 2004

lame duck

Maybe you’ve heard the term lame duck. According to the U.S. Senate website it means, “When Congress (or either chamber) reconvenes in an even-numbered year following the November general elections to consider various items of business. Some lawmakers who return for this session will not be in the next Congress. Hence, they are informally called ‘lame duck’ members participating in a ‘lame duck’ session.”

Christina and I are now lame ducks. We’ve been written off as useless. More like problems to be dealt with than contributing members of the community. Funny how that works. Many people are very interested in us giving as much notice as possible so that they can save themselves. My first impulse is to play that game back — to just try to save ourselves and not worry how it will affect Vajrapani. I know it’s probably not the best thing to do however, so we’re going to pick a date and give it to them. I’m just worried about what will happen if it’s too early (if our expected moving date is sooner than everyone had guessed).

posted @ 9:10 AM