March 27, 2005
attachment
As the amount of hard drive space has increased, so has my ability to fill it up. Now, many of the things I have on my computer are things I would have had on there six years ago if they would have fit. But they didn’t so I had them on various discs. I mostly have everything I want quick access to (like the entire collection of ACIP data, several Tibetan language dictionaries, teachings, many pictures and mini-movies). But I wonder if some of this stuff isn’t just like have a huge collection of DVDs or books or physical stuff of any sort. A huge collection of anything. Excess, ya know.
What is it about us that always wants just a little bit more than we have? A slightly bigger this, a little newer that, more comfortable thingies. A better program, more hard drive space, quicker internet connection. It goes on and on, all day long. It can make you little crazy if you listen to it.
It’s 10 o’clock and my body is yelling for an apple and slice of cheese. I eat that every day at this time. But since I’m home today maybe I’ll have a little more. Maybe a cookie and some of that really great fruit candy we just got from Seattle. Oh, and juice... more, more, more I drone on, endlessly.
It’s all attachment to this life. Grasping at this life.
tse di la shey na chu pa min
You’re no spiritual practitioner if you’re attached to this life.
That line is one of the only lines of text I’ve bothered to memorize. It the first of The Four Attachments. I thought I would really try to understand this one before I moved on to the next line. That was about a two years ago. I’m still trying to understand it.
I can understand why it might take someone untrained in the concept of letting go fifteen years or more to let go of their daughter. I can see why you always want to the story to end good. But that doesn’t happen with this life. Candy and cookies make me sick when I have to many. Death is what happens to all of us. But a human life is the most precious. Maybe the next life won’t be so great. Maybe we’ll go to heaven, maybe hell, maybe somewhere else.
I’ve always thought death was more difficult for the living than the ones who pass on. People still celebrate the lives of those from thousands of years ago. Maybe thinking that we wish this person where here now, to help lead and guide. Maybe still sad for his mother. But I usually don’t feel sad for the dead.
posted @ 10:34 AM
March 26, 2005
house on wheels
we’re thinking about purchasing a motorhome... to live in over the summer and maybe longer. some people think this is completely insane. some seem to think it’s an okay idea. some just nod their heads and say, “oh, yeah?!?”
here’s how i see it: i wouldn’t pay more than $500 in rent or house payments. it’s getting harder to find rent like that anymore. even more so with a dog... and a cat. plus we’re not really sure where we want to live. we have some places we’d like to try out first. but to move costs around $1000 (moving truck, gas, your car, deposit on housing, etc.). once in your new town you’d better find a job fast, cuz all those reoccurring bills (power $100, natural gas $60, water/sewer/garbage $20, vehicle insurance $150, car payment $230, credit card debt $250) start adding up real quick ($810 without rent — $1310 with). oh and don’t forget food ($300) for a total of about $1610 a month. (plus all of the security deposits everyone wants, late fees incurred due to deficit spending).
a full-time (40 hr) job at $8.00 per hour over the course of four weeks brings in $1280. two part-time (20 hrs/each) jobs at $5.15 per hour equals $1648 over four weeks. (minus 12% taxes on both; $1126 and $1450). if we work any more than this, we need child care which is completely outrageous financially and difficult to do on a temporary basis (too much research needs to be done).
to live in a motorhome would cost around $1400 per month. here’s the breakdown:
RV payment: $200
insurance: $100
credit card debt: $250
food: $300
camping fees: $300
gas, propane, maintenance, etc.: $250
plus it only costs you the amount of gas it takes to get from point A to point B if you decide to move. with either one or both us of working we should easily be able to bring in just enough working minimal hours on minimal wages. we are both over qualified for minimum wage jobs, but if we had to, we could make it on them. if we live in a house on wheels. otherwise we are spending way to much on housing, heating, etc.
we did well on our taxes this year so we’ll have a savings going and enough money to get us started. i’m looking forward to it. although our visit to the RV place today was less than i had expected, we’ll eventually find us a relatively nice, affordable little unit.
and the long run picture goes like this: we either sell the RV and rent a small apartment in our perfect city or we keep it, buy some land and use the parts (like the refrigerator, stove, propane tanks, generator, batteries, etc.) in our cob house. which we build while living in the motorhome.
it’s really not so crazy. just not the normal way people do things. but “normal” people like big houses, separation from their spouse and kids, big fancy jobs to pay for big fancy houses and cars. that seems crazy to me. but i’ll gladly build the houses for them.
posted @ 10:35 PM
March 2, 2005
pushing buttons
i used to write things down and work them out. now i just sit and think about them. i run these little circles in my mind.
the only writings i ever really save are poems.
my boss says that the musicians seem to have it all figured out in the basic, simplistic way.
the world doesn’t work like music and poetry though. the japanese own US treasury bonds. essentially they own our debt. it’s nice that someone does, but it isn’t simple.
circles, however, have no beginning and no end. buddhists say the mind is beginning-less and endless. they too make it sound simple.
i just don’t have the time to write it all down and i don’t want to save something that isn’t simple or useful.
i used to enjoy writing music. i still enjoy listening to it.
is it worth getting upset about the things you are or are not allowed to do? what about the things you can or cannot control – is it okay to get upset about them? what control do you really have and what does it mean to be not allowed to do something?
did you? did you want to? oh, you did? you must be human.
what is it that i want to think about all the time? more importantly, what is it that i don’t want to think about?
that wouldn’t be a simple list.
posted @ 9:40 PM